After reading about and listening to Jim McGreevey's woes over the past several days, I tried comparing what he went through to what I am still going through... Hard to do, but I think I still win.
McGreevey would still be in the closet (on the old DL) if it wasn't for the extortion attempt. I made a cognizant decision to: 1) Tell my wife before we were married, and: 2) To "out" myself to the rest of the world on my own terms, without a relationship (ie: lover) in the wings, or someone trying to ruin my name by blackmailing me.
I certainly can't imagine how his wife or children feel about him, but I do have a pretty good idea how mine do... After almost a year there is so much anger and hate still that it is like a poison. Contaminating people around us like the E. coli spinach scare.
My youngest son (19) has taken it (the hate) to new limits over the past few days... He has text messaged me 3 times, twice on my birthday (Monday) to tell me what a "piece of worthless sh*t" and "mother-f**ker" I was, and to tell me that he "hopes I die in a fire". Tonight, after getting home from work, I get a message on my cell that says: "Every time you think of me I want you to know how much I hate you, and wish death on you every day" or something along those lines...
He suspected I was gay probably 2-3 years ago after finding a chat window up on the family computer. He went to his Mom with the information, and after discussing it with her I made a choice to lie to my son. Now, mind you, the only offense that ever warranted a "spanking" for my children, was if they lied, and here Daddy was telling the biggest lie of all. I never forgave myself or my wife for talking me into that. I wanted to come out then and there and have it done, I think she thought she could buy a few more years in hopes they may be more tolerant. Either way, it was MY decision to manufacture the lie and deliver it to my son, something I will always regret and be forever sorry...
So Mr. McGreevey, I salute your coming out... I hope your family accepts your new station in life with more grace than mine.
I would not change anything about my past (with exception of the lie described above)... I love my children and never regret having them... I wish sometimes they would realize, that if I had made a decision to come out earlier in my life... They wouldn't even exist...
And that's all I have to say about that (for now)...
McGreevey would still be in the closet (on the old DL) if it wasn't for the extortion attempt. I made a cognizant decision to: 1) Tell my wife before we were married, and: 2) To "out" myself to the rest of the world on my own terms, without a relationship (ie: lover) in the wings, or someone trying to ruin my name by blackmailing me.
I certainly can't imagine how his wife or children feel about him, but I do have a pretty good idea how mine do... After almost a year there is so much anger and hate still that it is like a poison. Contaminating people around us like the E. coli spinach scare.
My youngest son (19) has taken it (the hate) to new limits over the past few days... He has text messaged me 3 times, twice on my birthday (Monday) to tell me what a "piece of worthless sh*t" and "mother-f**ker" I was, and to tell me that he "hopes I die in a fire". Tonight, after getting home from work, I get a message on my cell that says: "Every time you think of me I want you to know how much I hate you, and wish death on you every day" or something along those lines...
He suspected I was gay probably 2-3 years ago after finding a chat window up on the family computer. He went to his Mom with the information, and after discussing it with her I made a choice to lie to my son. Now, mind you, the only offense that ever warranted a "spanking" for my children, was if they lied, and here Daddy was telling the biggest lie of all. I never forgave myself or my wife for talking me into that. I wanted to come out then and there and have it done, I think she thought she could buy a few more years in hopes they may be more tolerant. Either way, it was MY decision to manufacture the lie and deliver it to my son, something I will always regret and be forever sorry...
So Mr. McGreevey, I salute your coming out... I hope your family accepts your new station in life with more grace than mine.
I would not change anything about my past (with exception of the lie described above)... I love my children and never regret having them... I wish sometimes they would realize, that if I had made a decision to come out earlier in my life... They wouldn't even exist...
And that's all I have to say about that (for now)...
Over and "Out" from Toano, VA
1 comment:
I'm reading your blog from the back and I know this is ancient history for your now, but for me today it is one of my most terrifying fears. My worst nightmare is that one or more of my 4 kids will one day hate their homo daddy.
I will keep reading and I hope your son comes around.
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