March 17, 2006

Happy St. Patricks Day!

Richmond and my Life... What a complicated place and web I weave.

I just reread my entry from yesterday. I was very "up" when I wrote that. Things changed so dramatically afterwards. My wife has been following my journal (blog) and tried to do something similar in an email to me last night. "Tried to do something similar" is where the similarity ends. Although I read it in a totally different light, it read angry, upset, vindictive, and evil. I tried to apply the philosophy of the "Four Agreements" to not take things personally, to no avail. I got angry and upset with the words she typed.
I Responded...
Probably not the smartest thing to do in retrospect. I used big words like "spousal support" and "taxable income" and drew the lioness from her den. She started calling me. I missed the first call (eating dinner seemed more important at the time), but answered her 2nd call.
Not at all what I expected...
She was upset, but not angry, vindictive, or evil... She was once again the woman I remembered falling in love with some 25 years ago. She spoke of things like "Leaving you alone to live your life" and "Understanding your need to be the (gay) person you are" and "What are WE going to do now"... We have never had any substantial financial footings. My exit has compounded the lack of cashflow, as there are now additional expenses. The "What are WE going to do now" hit like a ton of bricks... What are we going to do now? I had to give up a reasonably well paying management position because of the stress it caused (Heart attack 02/16/2005) for a less stressful retail (100% commission furniture sales) position. What are WE going to do now? We have a son at VCU and a daughter graduating from high school this year. What are WE going to do now? We don't make the money we once did, yet we have a few more expenses...
What are WE going to do now?
She has found part time employment to help pay for things, I need to do the same, or find a job in my field of expertise (with a salary more in line with what I am used to) that has a level of stress I can manage. She is not being unreasonable, I need to be more reasonable. She is keeping the family together, I need to try to mend things with the same family. We managed to separate and alienate over the past 6 months, maybe I need to try harder to mend the rift I have caused in our family. I cannot be anything other than GAY, but I can try harder to be supportive...
I am glad we were able to talk on the phone. I hope I can help more than I have been. It may take awhile, but I will try harder. I promise.
Life is tough, even in Richmond VA on St Patricks Day... Cheers!

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