TGIW

OK, so it's not TGIF... Today is Friday for me, I am off tomorrow and Friday and am looking forward to it! After the week off, I have done nothing but work it seems. I need a break!

Chesapeake and the Tidewater area of Virginia, and I have not "found" each other yet. I have re-connected with some friends from my past and online friends that I have never met until now. While I have come to terms with what has transpired over the past month or so, I still feel a bit lonely.

I have been trying to find a local therapist so I can start that up again, to no avail. I called my old one yesterday and made an appointment to see him up in Richmond. I need to talk this out and move forward. I am spending way too much time dwelling on the past. Anyone out there in the gay community, in Chesapeake VA, that may have suggestions on where to socialize (other than the bars and clubs) and how to meet nice normal people, please share!!

Short post today, but after all it is Wednesday!! TGIW

Over and "Out" from Chesapeake!

The Trip Home

After a week up on the cape, a great visit with my brother, his wife and daughter, and time to re-gather my self worth, it was time to leave around 2pm yesterday. The drive was again uneventful for the most part. I happened to time the trek through the greater NYC area a little off, and ended up stuck in traffic on the Cross Bronx and the beginning of the NJT, but it was a beautiful day, I rolled down the windows, opened the sunroof, and cranked up the XM.

"Gertie", my Garmin GPS said I should be home by 11:48, but after the traffic in NY/NJ and a maintenance delay on the Chesapeake Bay Bridge Tunnel, I ended up pulling in at 12:55. Still less than 11 hours, so not too draining...

I was going to post a snippet on dealing with grief here, but I am so over it!!

Time to move on!

Over and "Out" from back home in Chesapeake!

The Witches of Eastwick?

Had a grand time re-visiting Ptown. Funny thing happened the last night I was there. I headed down to the Boatslip around 5pm, to experience my first ever Tea Dance only to find out that they didn't have one on Tuesday (apparently until after Memorial Day).

It got progressively cloudier, cooler, and rainier so I ducked into a restaurant/bar to warm up a little and enjoy some camaraderie and a couple of drinks. The barkeep was a real cutie and the folks at the bar, including the owner/manager were discussing the untimely passing of "Dixie", a local drag superstar, who's funeral was that very day. After claiming my stool and space at the bar, conversations flowed freely amongst all of the patrons. I decided to have an appetizer while downing my 2nd or 3rd beer when a couple of local ladies pulled up to the stools beside mine. The one closest to me (they turned out to be sisters, one local, one visiting), after exchanging pleasantries, reached over and put her hand on mine and said: "Honey, he is just not worth it". Now this statement in itself threw me for the moment (and even more so later) as I had exchanged no real personal information with this woman. After a brief discussion of her remark I realized that this woman was truly gifted. One of those people that can sense emotions and chooses not to keep those unique talents locked up inside (we all know these people exist and probably know at least one). As it turned out she and her sister both possessed the same ability.

I had already come to terms with the happenings in my life these past few weeks, and was actually feeling quite good about heading home in a few days and starting my life again, so while I chatted with them, I wondered why they still felt these emotions coming from me. The ladies left and another younger woman came in sitting across from me a few seats down and around the corner of the bar. We acknowledged each other with a nod of sorts, and before I knew it, she had gotten up out of her seat, walked around the two guys sitting between us, and come over to me, putting her hands on either side of my face and said: "I am so glad that you have come to terms with your loss" and "You are much too good for him".

Now I know I am a sensitive guy, and I do tend to wear my emotions on my shirtsleeve, but this is just plain scary...

Now here is the interesting part of this whole adventure, apparently in my haste to find a dry warm place to hang out, I neglected to ask anyone or refer to any of the gay guides to Ptown, I had ducked into the Governor Bradford, one of the only straight bars on Commercial Street. In addition to the chance encounter with the three women above, I was cruised, flirted with, and had a forth woman attempt to convert me from homosexuality for the night. How on earth could these women have known that is was a "HE" that was at the root of my feelings? Fate is an interesting thing, and does work in mysterious ways...

Over and "Out" from Cape Cod MA

From Sea to Shining Sea

Less than a year ago I got to re-experience San Francisco as a totally "out" gay man. While the city itself was familiar from years prior, seeing it from a completely different perspective was awesome (Thanks Jim for a great trip)... From Pacific to Atlantic (well almost)...

Today I look out my window and see the Pilgrim Monument of Provincetown MA fame. I have been here before as well, my oldest son was about 10 months old then, he will be 30 in July. I have lived a lifetime, it seems, between then and now, no regrets truly.

P-town has changed somewhat in the past 29 years. Yet it still has a charm that only a town at the end of a spit of land could have. It's where the normal irregulars come to live, you probably remember them as the "misfits" from Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. The people that feel uncomfortable in the stereotypical setting, yet blend in and seem totally IN place here. I could live here too, just not sure I could find work for someone that does what I do best...

I wandered the streets and shops yesterday, bought a Provincetown "hoodie" for my new collection, found a wonderful place to have a juicy hamburger and a couple of beers right on the harbor, and then started checking out places I should explore after the sun went down. Until this coming weekend (Memorial Day) many of the businesses keep abbreviated hours. I found that the Crown and Anchor had a new show scheduled to start called "Showgirls", a drag talent show, that turned out to be hilarious. I think every gay man in P-town was there for opening night, they sure grow handsome men up here!

Today I plan to head over to a bookstore I saw last night after the show, and pick up something to read out on a bench near the beach. That is another fascinating thing about this place, all the waterfront is public land, and all access to it is open 24 hours a day. People take advantage of the beautiful views by doing exactly what I am proposing to do today...

Over and "Out" from P-town MA

Tom's Excellent Adventure

Greetings from Cape Cod Massachusetts... After my move, I decided I needed some "Tom Time" and this is it... My brother and his wife live up here and, besides the monetary savings I would realize, it seemed like a good place to get away to.

Rather than getting stuck on some toilet seat on a Jet Blue flight, I decided to drive up and use the time to contemplate and re-evaluate. I took off yesterday morning around 5:30 and headed across the famous Chesapeake Bay Bridge Tunnel, up the DelMarVa peninsula, travelled the length of New Jersey on the Jersey Turnpike, across the George Washington Bridge and upper Manhattan, hugged the coast of Connecticut and Rhode Island, finally making my way to the quaint little town of Cotuit, MA arriving at 4:11 (just 3 minutes later than my GPS had initially calculated that morning). How in the world can it do that?

Speaking of my Garhman GPS, thanks Mom for giving it to me, it was awesome. I just need to figure out how to change it's voice. Right now it has a woman's voice, and I swear I hear little "tisk" noises coming out of her as she announces that she is "Recalculating" and to "Safely make a U-turn" after I have made a wrong turn somewhere. She can be somewhat bitchy sounding at times, or is that all in my head too? I want a male voice with perhaps a British accent to help guide me, assertively, but not aggressively... Maybe like Sean Connery? Anyway you get my drift.

I am planning on doing some reading, posting on here, exploring, and of course making a side trip up to P-town while I am here...

More to come! Over and "Out" from Cape Cod!

Paybacks

I remember when I started this journal how happy and free I felt. I also knew that I had hurt some people very close to me in the process of coming out... I honestly don't think I ever really realized how they may have felt, as it wasn't important to me at the time...

Today I know what hurt feels like. It's been a week since I moved out of the house in Toano, and I have never felt so alone in my life. I have never felt so rejected or un-needed before... I guess it's true what they say, Paybacks are a Bitch!!

I live every day waiting for Jim's call.... Telling me it was all a mistake, that he needs me and misses me as much as I still do him. I feel so empty without him in my life...

I still wake up in the morning feeling for his warmth, to no avail... Just empty sheets and memories...

They say this will pass in time... but I don't know if I want it to... I feel to blame, I feel inadequate, I feel a hole in my soul where he should be... I love him still...

Over and "Out" from Chesapeake, VA

News...

Kelly and Joe:

This is what has happened in the past few months... The man that I love, has asked out of the partnership we built over the past two years...

While not unexpected, not unprepared for, it hurt to my very core... I moved last Monday, from our home in Toano, to an unfamiliar place, a strange house, that is not my home yet, within 5 miles of work, in Chesapeake, VA...

I get to save 2 hours of my daily life, and 10's of thousands of miles per year on my gorgeous 2007 Equinox (thank you Jim for co-signing the loan)... But I feel so empty, so alone... Like a huge hole is in the pit of myself... I am guessing this will pass, yet I am grateful Jim and I will continue to be friends. He is entitled to his Lamborghini (apparently I am just a VW Jetta), as am I... Compromise and understanding has always been a unique quality for any long term relationship (at least from my perspective). I have been extremely happy for the majority of the two years we have been together, I felt I brought things to the table that he had never had before, but apparently that wasn't good enough...

I very much still love my Jim, and always will... I wish him well, I hope he finds what he is looking for in life... I hope also, that we can remain friends, as I can't imagine my life without him in it....

Over and "Out" from Chesapeake, VA

I'mmmmm Baaaack!

I have taken a break from posting here while I tried to salvage my relationship. It didn't help. So here I am again, and I have got alot to say... Be prepared to be intertained or bored...

Over and "Out" for today, from my new home in Chesapeake, VA